Viv wasn’t too excited when she was sent to Beverly Hills to interview the one and only Devlina! Her boss at the Delomary Trust gave her a gift card to Starbucks, knowing that Viv loves a double decaf iced latte made with oat milk.
“This makes up for the fact that I might die in Devlina’s house of horrors, boss. Probably not, but it’s fine; my family has a lawyer should we need to sue for wrongful death. Ha-ha.”
"I'd like to remind you, Viv, that you signed a waiver when you joined D-Trust."
"Of course, Sharell!"
Interview Below
Viv: Well, this is undoubtedly a..uh, unique house, um...Mrs. Zid’dra?
Devlina: Please, call me by my real name, Devlina. Paràsàfàna is too old-fashioned, and I don’t particularly want to be known simply for being wed to the Prince of Darkness, am I right?
Viv: Yes, of course, you are right! So, tell me about the house.
Devlina: I stole it from some hot shot Hollywood director. I turned him and his family to salt and sold them at the Farmer’s Market on Fairfax on Sunday. I have a stall there on occasion.
Viv: Oh, the poor man and his family.
Devlina: Not really. He was a terrible person. He mistreated his employees. I did the world a favor.
Viv: I’ll take your word for it.
Devlina: As for the house, the floors are made of flames, and the ceiling and walls are made of obsidian, which, as you can see, shows a loop of death and destruction! This is my miserable place.
Viv: (standing in a bucket of water) You mean, your happy place?
Devlina: Do I look like the type of person who is happy?
Viv: Fair enough. You know it’s pretty warm in here. Could you open a window? I’m sweating a lot. And I’m afraid my decaf iced latte has evaporated from the temperature.
Devlina: I don’t have windows, silly one. But I can summon a blizzard to swirl around you if you like.
Viv: Sounds tempting, but no. Moving on, so what’s it like to be you?
Devlina: You mean to be truly wicked and cruel. Witty, sassy, and powerful? A woman who can walk down a dark alley assured that if any fool dares to harm me, they will be turned into cockroach food?
Viv: Well, that sounds pretty awesome. I want that ability.
Devlina (pulls out a piece of parchment paper and a feather): You can! Sign your soul over to me.
Viv (Laughing awkwardly). You are funny!
Devlina: Anyway, I wake up every morning from my bed of nails, joust with some demons in my dungeons, take my devil dogs, Murder and Death, for a walk around the neighborhood, then come home and plot how I’m going to destroy the world!
Viv: Sounds like quite a day.
Devlina: It is. After wreaking havoc on LA, spreading mayhem and turmoil across the City of Angels, I come home and take a nice scalding hot bath. The best exfoliant there is, girl. It's hot water. Anyway, I put on a new face. More gruesome than the last, whip up a nice, putrid dinner and settle in to watch humans killing, torturing, and oppressing each other. All projected on my walls. Who are the real monsters, I ask you? Me or your neighbors and leaders?
Viv: That’s certainly food for thought, Devlina.
Devlina: As you know, me and my Pookie aren’t getting along right now. He’s such a cad. So, after getting a good laugh watching human misery, I like to roam around the world and salt Zid’dra’s game.
Viv: How do you do that?
Devlina: Suppose he cast a spell to summon millions of locusts to devour the grain of a small nation and ensure famine. I’ll conjure a million seagulls to eat the locusts.
Viv: Well, I’m sure the citizens of that country appreciate your intervention.
Devlina: Certainly not. They’ll thank their deity of choice.
Viv: That’s bad?
Devlina: It’s certainly not good for me. I like to be adored. But whatever is clever, Viv. Zid’dra will come to my house seething with rage for what I did. And I’ll laugh at him. He will incinerate me, but I’ll return the favor by desiccating him until he falls apart into dust. Then, I’ll summon a vacuum to clean up the mess. And send him along his way down the toilet.
Viv: Sounds like you and Zid’dra have a spicy relationship.
Devlina: Definitely beyond the Scoville scale.
Viv: Well, the water in my pail is almost gone, so I should thank you for your time.
Devlina: Don’t leave so soon, come here and sit on my bed of nails!
Viv: Tempting, but my Pomeranian insists I brush his fur every other night. That’s tonight, and if I fail to pamper the pooch, he turns into my canine Zid’dra.
Devlina: I can turn him to stone if you want.
Viv: Sweet of you to offer, but I like my doggo very much. It's alive.
Devlina: Then be off with you, girl. And watch out for things that go bump in the night. It might be me!
Viv: Um. Okay?
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